Food Obsession

  I have a food obsession. Not the kind most people think a fat girl would have. Mine is quite the opposite. I have become overwhelmed by the idea of eating the right things, the right quantity, at the right time and making sure it don't mess up. My whole day feels like it revolves around food. Despite being 375 pounds is was never an emotional eater or a bored eater. I was more likely to skip eating all together just so people would not judge me. In fact, this has not changed. I am stuck at 220 pounds now for awhile and I have been told it is because I am not getting in enough calories to burn so my metabolism has shut off.
  Part of me is like "great now what!" While the other part is like "well, if I go long enough maybe my body will have no choice but to eat itself. Afterall, there is still plenty to eat" While not the healthiest attitude....it's mine. I own it.
  Food obsession is not just the impulse to stuff your face. It comes in different forms. Mine is the new eating to live not living to eat that I still have not mastered. Most. People struggle with eating all the fast food and junk they can get their hands on instead of the filling their bellies with nutrients that fuel our bodies. We crave salt, sugar, crunchy, chewy, so we seek out those temptations in any form readily available despite the awful fat or artificial ingredients contained in them. I have the opposite issue. I have become so obsessed with making sure I get in my protein and water and nothing bad that honestly I miss even those basic goals daily. Now, I have to worry about my hair falling out and my waist staying this size because I can't get over myself and get done the basic things I need to. I obsess over every calorie, every gram of fat, every gram of sugar and my body is now officially starving. Lab tests say so. But, I am stuck in the old mindset of eat less, you will lose weight. Despite a nutritionist and Bariatric Surgeon telling me otherwise,  I am stuck.
  I tried eating extra fat (I actually was not getting in a single gram daily for weeks) and tried getting out of my 300 calorie day slump. All it has done is make me feel like a failure. A big fat failure. I am struggling with exhaustion and knowing what I should be doing but I am apparently too dense to get over myself. I have researched it. I have studied options and alternatives but I don't have cravings or hunger to contend with. Mine is setting a damn clock to tell myself to eat. I feel like a slug if I stray from my fresh fruits, veggies and protein shake regimen.
  A friend that suffered from eating disorders told me I sound like I might be suffering from a form of Othorexia.... WTH? I had to look it up.  "Orthorexia is the term for a condition that includes symptoms of obsessive behavior in pursuit of a healthy diet. Orthorexia sufferers often display signs and symptoms of anxiety disorders that frequently co-occur with anorexia nervosa or other eating disorders.A person with orthorexia will be obsessed with defining and maintaining the perfect diet, rather than an ideal weight. She will fixate on eating foods that give her a feeling of being pure and healthy" according to Timberline Knolls. Their site also says "How are Orthorexia and Anorexia Nervosa Different.
Obsession with weight is one of the primary signs of anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders, but is not a symptom of orthorexia. Instead, the object of the orthorexic's obsession is with the health implications of their dietary choices. While a person with anorexia restricts food intake in order to lose weight, a person with orthorexia wants to feel pure, healthy and natural. The focus is on quality of foods consumed rather than quantity."
  Okay, maybe in a few examples I could possibly fit this..... but I think it's a bit far fetched. I'm just not hungry.  So, I can't bring myself to eat when I am not hungry. And if I have to eat I only want the good stuff in my body. to be honest, it's driving me absolutely insane!
  My day consists of trying to remember to get a protein in and enough water... I try but half the time it just sits on my desk or in my cup holder in my car. For lunch I usually read and snack on a few cherry tomotoes and sugar snap peas. That's if I remember to take them with me. I add in cheese which helps with the protein and calcium but I would be perfectly content with popping a handful of vitamins if I didn't have to eat anything all day.
  I have a follow-up with the surgeon in a few days.... and another round of lab tests were drawn yesterday. That was the easy part. Guess I should go make a shake and clean house. My reward for cleaning will be a 2 hour work out tonight.  I was told to take it easy and try implementing a reward system for planning out my food intake like I do my work out routines....okay. Let's see how this goes. Anything has to be better than being obsessed with when and what I have to eat next.