Body Image

  I have fat thighs, big butt, my legs and stomach are all flabby…. Should I continue? Because I know I could keep going for a while. I was nice and smooth at least when I was 375 pounds. Now, I’m wrinkly!  I knew this would happen after losing weight but it doesn’t make me feel smaller, just different. I don’t feel sexy or attractive, just deflated. I still walk around things like I am carrying that 155 pounds I lost. I am afraid I can’t fit through chairs between tables in a restaurant. I worry I might break a seat when I sit down. Trying on clothes was my biggest fear. I would find one shirt that covered me and buy 4 in different colors. Just so I would not have to try on anymore styles. Now, I still reach for the largest size on the rack and have to make several trips back to find the smaller one that actually fits. My appearance in the mirror TO ME has honestly not changed much. My body image SUCKS! I am not alone though.
  “Some specialists use the term “phantom fat” to refer to this phenomenon of feeling fat and unacceptable after weight loss. “People who were formerly overweight often still carry that internal image, perception, with them,” says Elayne Daniels, a psychologist in Canton, Mass., who specializes in body-image issues. “They literally feel as if they’re in a large body still.” According to the NBC News article ‘Phantom fat’ can linger after weight loss By Jacqueline Stenson.
  I still obsess over how I think I appear to other people. I seriously had surgery because of health concerns and the thought of being little and cute was just a bonus. However, it has not turned out quite like I planned. I am now worried about being out of proportion. My boobs shrinking and hanging! I had accepted being a fat person the rest of my life but go and lose weight only to become fixated on those last 70 pounds that I can’t seem to drop for ANYTHING! GRRR! I still avoid eye contact with most of the world. Afraid they will see inside and see the fat chick caged in a shrinking body. I used to joke that I was a skinny chick trapped in a fat body but never had the self-esteem and confidence to back it up! I just pretended really well.  Now, I still feel like the elephant in the room! Like everyone is staring but not really looking at me.
  “Your body image, or your sense of what you look like, isn’t just a reflection of what you see in the mirror. It’s partly based on the opinions and value judgments of others: your loved ones, your peers, the media and the culture in general. The celebrities we admire for their beauty and thinness often become the ultimate representation of what we want to look like. When we don’t measure up to an airbrushed photo of a model or movie star, our body image may suffer. For teenage girls and young women, who are especially sensitive to their looks and the way they appear to others, a poor body image may quickly lead to an eating disorder, especially if the girl is overweight.” According to Futures, a treatment facility for addiction and co-occurring disorders like eating disorders.
  What does this have to do with weight loss? Well, think about it…. We live in a society where even super models are airbrushed on magazine covers! As children we are programmed to look a certain way to feel accepted. That if we are not cut from the same cookie cutter as the rest of the group we should do whatever it takes to change that and blend in. Eating disorders after Bariatric surgery is actually not uncommon.  The Bypassed Life website states A “2008 study also found a statistically significant increase in the number of eating disorders among candidates for surgical weight loss. 18.5% of patients referred for weight loss surgery met the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder, compared with 4.3% of non-surgical weight loss patients.” They also listed out the different types of disorders. “There’s scale obsession, rumination (chewing, then spitting out food without swallowing), licking food, anorexia nervosa, and bulimia nervosa. It’s all there on the boards. It’s sort of a dirty little secret of the bariatric community. (Man, we have a lot of those!)”
  Now, I know I struggle with my body image but have done a great job (in my opinion) of eating healthy and working on the portions. But, there are days where the idea of putting anything in my mouth is the last thing I want to do! I also go through phases where I just want to work out until I drop. Sometimes it’s because of the hormone rush I get after a strenuous work out that I crave and other times it is just the negative self-image issues I have kicking in and making me want to fit into the societal mold so badly that I would rather die on the treadmill then spend one more minute in my own skin. I have an internal battle raging inside between the fat chick that was and the skinny one dying to get out. I am kind of stuck in the middle at the moment. But, I am secretly cheering on the healthy lady sitting back quietly waiting for the dust to settle so she can stand up and be seen. I will just have to let you know how it goes….